“I spent the first 12 years of my life thinking that I was a little white girl. And when I found out that I wasn’t, it wasn’t just a revelation, it was an identity crisis.” (NPR, 2018)
While this is a quote from a transracial adoptee sharing their personal experiences, many transracial adoptees are connected and tethered in this way. As transracial adoptees, we are often raised to feel like, believe, and embody the ethnicity of our adoptive families, (with zero mal-intent) only to have our pseudo ethnic legs knocked out from under us revealing what and who we truly are.
Transracial adoption is when an adoptive family of one race or ethnic background adopts a child of a different race or ethnic background. Because it is so natural and second nature for an adoptive family to raise their child in the ways that they are accustomed to, it becomes increasingly important to be intentional about having tough conversations with your adoptive child, openly embrace their culture/s/background, and be as honest as possible regarding their biological family in order to nurture their identity and hopefully avoid an identity crisis.
Have The Tough Conversations
Adoption comes with a lot of rules but not a lot of instructions. It can be tough to know how to navigate raising your adoptive child especially since each adoption is so unique and there are many factors and variables that influence the transition of a child into a new family. Adoptive parents therefore have the responsibility to try and make the most sense out of the situation their child has come from. This means addressing the elephant in the room so that your adoptive child is not made to feel like said elephant by an uneducated child or acquaintance down the road.
Explain to them the beauty in being different, why they look different than you and your partner (if they do) and create a safe space for answering questions or concerns they may have as they age. Adopted children are often just as confused as the adoptive parents regarding how to make sense of everything, so forming a strong team-like bond that reassures your child we’re all in this together is one of the best ways to make them feel safe, seen, and heard.
Openly Explore and Embrace Their Ethnic Background
Help your child explore and embrace their ethnic background by allowing them to watch you and your partner do just that. Teach you adoptive child that it is ok to try new things, learn about their heritage, and be proud of where they came from. Create opportunities for them to try foods, listen to music, hear stories, or anything else that may help them feel just a little bit closer to where they came from which will allow them to meld that past with their present.
Also, actively seek out people or friends from their same ethnic background as well. This may feel a little weird or difficult but honesty is always the best policy. If you want to expand your friend group to include people of different backgrounds so your children can grow up actually knowing other people who look like them, that’s exactly how you start the conversation. There is a lot of vulnerability through the adoption process, and it really never ends if you want to help your child adjust and blossom.
Be Honest About Biological Family
Finally, be as honest as you possibly can regarding your adoptive child’s biological family. Share what you know (when it’s age appropriate) as opportunities present themselves, and don’t sugar-coat situations or deify bio family members.
I grew up with the narrative that my biological mother made the ultimate sacrifice. She wanted the best life possible for me and that’s why she gave me away. Meanwhile, I also grew up knowing that she kept my older sister and my younger brother. There are so many reasons why glorifying the bio family creates a really unsafe space and super murky waters for the adoptive child. As children, we don’t understand sacrifice, and as adults, we understand doing whatever it takes for the people we love. There’s never a time where allowing the bio family to be the saint ever makes sense.
So have the tough conversations, trust me, they will be plentiful, embrace your child’s culture, and always choose honesty over comfort. In the end, if you intentionally work at nurturing your child’s identity, they will undoubtedly bloom into confident and secure people who know exactly how much you love them.
